Taste It

Oh yeah. Ooooh yeah. I did it. I went out there tonight and I did it.

I was sitting at home, thinking of how I was going to spend my night home alone. I tried to watch a DVD, but unfortunately the player is busted. I tried to read a few blogs, but no-one is updating. I thought about masturbating, but then decided that I'd save it for later. I thought about taking the dog for a walk, but it was pouring with rain. I turned the tv on, then turned it off again because there wasn't anything on. I went and sucked down one of those dirty filthy stinking cancer sticks and decided that I didn't want any more of those in a hurry. I thought about going and grabbing some lemondade to mix with some vodka, but I don't feel like drinking alone anymore. Then I thought about what I was going to do on the weekend. And I came up with a plan.

It was pushing six o'clock so I knew that time was going to be against me, so I started my search with much haste. The first few venues I scoped out all shut at 5:30 or so, so they were scrapped. I googled a place called The Laundry and couldn't find a closing time, but I could find a phone number. So I rung them up. They said they were pretty flexible, so I headed on over. The rain was absolutely pelting down, and I was a little nervous driving over the Gateway bridge, sandwiched between a huge double-trailer truck and the concrete divider, I made it though. I even managed to follow the directions I had written down with out too much bother.

So I pulled up at this house, walked up and was greeted by an American pit bull ( I thought that those fuckers were illegal these days, they are some scary beasts). The lady, whose name is Helen, opened the door and the wild beast came out and licked me. Helen said it was her hairy door bell. So Helen and I chatted about what was going on and stuff, and she was terrific. Very professional, walked me through what was going to happen to me over the coming days. Asked me whether I've ever done anything like this before. Questioned my motives. Explained the procedure and showed me the accessories and then showed me where all the action as going to take place. I then signed away my life.

At this point I was still fairly unaware of what it was going to feel like, it's been a while, but I wasn't really too nervous. The autoclave had finished it's job by this time and I was given the task of checking to see whether the sterilisation strip had turned from yellow to black, which it had. I lay back in the chair, looked up at the ceiling and waited for the fun to begin. At first there was just a bit of pulling and stretching, then came the moment of truth.

I'm not going to say that it didn't hurt, because by god yes it did. It certainly wasn't a tickle from a feather, more an incredibly intense burst of pure pain that had me involuntarily arching my back and trying to wrench the armrest from the structure of the chair. It was so surprising in that I was almost completely unaware of the rest of my body for that moment, almost as though with that prick I had completely retracted into the nerve endings that were screaming in terror at their imminent doom. I know this sounds really gay, but I can't really describe it. It was intense, it was fire, it was clarity, it was pure, it was pain/pleasure. And I was only halfway there.

Trying to find exact point was excruciating as before I had laid down Helen had marked me with where she wanted the entry and exit to be. Once the second hole in my body had been made things started to settle down a bit. I could feel things again, and couldn't help but smile and even laugh. It felt good. On fire, but good. She snapped the bar in, attached the end and then withdrew. We chatted for a little while longer so she could make sure I wasn't going to faint or anything. Next Helen ran me through the maintenance and told me how it actually was the most painful choice possible. I felt a bit like I'd conquered a mountain.

After that I headed home and picked up some groceries on the way. I cooked myself a very healthy but not so tasty dinner and am now doing this thing up. I guess this is another thing I can now check off my list. What's next though now? If anybody has any ideas about some cool stuff to do that gets the blood pumping please let me know. If you head over to The Laundry take a Captain Cook at the Carnival of Chaos stuff. Now that shit looks intense, and I may have to go and see one of their shows.