Coldwater Gatling

One thing that I have noticed since I've started writing in this blog is that I don't think that I'm as much of a jerk off that I used to. Not that I was a jerk off (though I may have been), but I don't think that I'm as much of a waste of space that I used to. Somewhere along this ride I've picked up a bit of an ego. Not a huge one, but enough. It's not that I think that I'm better than people now, it's more that I think that I'm okay now. I don't always make the wrong decision. I'm not just an aimless loose cannon. I can do things properly, and I can stick to things for a while. It's kind of weird.

A downside of this is that I'm not as self deprecating as I used to be. Well, that's not quite true, but people don't seem to pick up on the sarcasm anymore. They seem to believe me. Ha! Jokes on them! Still, I've got to watch myself a bit. I find myself occasionally saying things, being a bit too big for my britches, and people taking it as fact. I don't really want to come off as a pompous wanker, but perhaps that's what I'm becoming. I wonder if the 16 year old Robb would the person that I am today. I wonder if they would get along. It sounds like a great premise for a movie, maybe even a Disney one.

Perhaps it was the result of too many hormones running around in my teenage body, causing all sorts of chemical upheaval. Perhaps it was a lack of direction, maybe even just sheer bloody mindedness, but when I was younger I wasn't as content as I am now. I was upset with something - my parents, the world, myself. I used to hate the choices that I made, I used to not make decisions until one was made for me, but now I feel as though I can make them for myself. You know, I now know what I want when I want for lunch, little things like that. I guess the longest journey starts with a step. I wonder when it began.

So yeah, I used to do some pretty crazy stuff. Stuff that was definately irrational and not constructive in anyway. I still do some of it occasionally, but I'm not as confused as I used to be, and I'm pretty happy with that. To have a sense of self is fairly important I think, and to not be as judgmental of myself is okay too. Perhaps sometimes I'm a little too easy going, but this is something that can be worked on.

I guess I just need a plan now.