Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Today has been an incredibly average and uninteresting day, so I'll tell you about it.

To start off the day, I was woken by my father to help him move his bed as my mother had misplaced her wedding ring, and they were hoping it was under there. It was. I checked the time, saw that it was still before 7 and decided to go back to bed. I went back to bed and fell asleep for a another hour or so.

The next time I woke up it was time for me to get up, so I did. I found some clean underwear and headed downstairs. I turned on the shower and got in. It wasn't too hot, and it wasn't too cold it was quite a nice shower. I didn't sing or do anything else that you do in the shower. I didn't wash my hair. I turned off the shower, but didn't get out as there wasn't a bathmat on the ground, so I reached out for my towel and dried myself off. Once dry I got out of the shower stall and put on the clean underpants. It was at this point I realised that I had neglected to get my "nipple bath" ready. My "nipple bath" is simply a quarter teaspoon of salt in a cup of water which I bathe my nipple in for 10 minutes after having a shower. So I prepared the "nipple bath" and attached it to my chest. I left the bathroom and went out to get some breakfast.

I looked at the contents of the fridge and the cupboard and decided on having some of last night's leftovers on toast for breakfast. I placed some of the potato and tomato and onion in a bowl and put it into the microwave. I put some toast in the toaster. I didn't have to get out the butter as somebody had left it out. I called for the dog and together we went to get the paper. Unfortunately somebody had already got the paper and my mother told me that it was folded up in the magazine rack. I went back downstairs and got the paper out, then my toast popped and microwave beeped. I still had the "nipple bath" attached to my chest so I tried not to make any sudden movements and managed to spill a minimal amount of the "bath" water.

I put the potato and tomato and onion on to the now buttered toast then checked the time. I still had a couple of minutes left for the "nipple bath" so I sat down to watch a bit of Jeffrey Archer on the Today show. When the time was up I took the "nipple bath" off and towelled myself dry. It was now time to eat.

I ate my breakfast and had a drink of water. I then found some pants to put on and brushed my teeth. Then I went upstairs, found a shirt, found some deoderant and put them both on. Deoderant under the shirt of course. I chose my shoes for the day and some socks, picked up my sack of goodies and took the keys from the entry on my way out to the car. I called out a farewell to my mother and the dog.

I unlocked the car, turned it on, but didn't get in. I went around behind the car and opened up the garage door, then I returned to the driver's seat and got in. I drove to work and listened to the radio on the way. I kept the windows up, but had the air conditioning on.

When I arrived at work, I turned the car off, but kept the radio on so that I could put my shoes on whilst listening to the news. Once I had finished putting my shoes on I grabbed my sack, hopped out of the car and locked it. I went into the centre, somebody held the gate open for me which was nice. I deposited my goodies and headed into the office. I turned on the computer and found a couple of notes for me. I sorted thoe out then went to get the shopping list. I took the shopping list with me to the different rooms and asked if anybody required anything from the supermarket. There were a couple of requests which I noted down on the shopping list. I headed for the cupboard in the kitchen and took a quick inventory. I added table salt to the list. I said goodbye to Louise and headed to Coles.

At Coles I told the old Lions out the front that I'd get a ticket from them on the way back. I noticed a beautiful woman wearing shorts walking down a ramp. I chose a trolley, yanked it out from the queue and proceeded through the entrance. I trawled up and down the aisles searching out the items on the list. I started with the fruit and vegetables and finished with the cheese. I almost forgot the table salt and had to go back for it. I progressed quickly through the check out and headed for the old Lions at the door who were selling raffle tickets. I bought two and they spoke to me about hail storms, and the great hail storm of 1980 in particular. I thanked them, said good bye and loaded up the car.

I drove back to the centre and once there I took everything into the kitchen and put everything in it's place. Some things didn't have a place so I made them up. Once everything was away I went into my office and did some stuff there.

My father made an appearance at the centre today, and he gave me some tasks to be completed. After he left I started on the list that he left for me. I made a couple of calls, made a couple of bookings and decided that it was time for me to have some lunch. I took my keys, got in the car and drove to the bakery. At the bakery I couldn't get a park out the front, so I had to do a u-turn and I came back at it. In the bakery the lady who normally works there wasn't in, the person behind the counter was one of the owners. I get my drink and ask for my sandwich. She charges me more than the normal lady. I like the normal lady more.

I go back to the centre and eat my lunch. It is good. While I am eating my lunch the other relief lady arrives. Again it is not the normal lady, but this is okay. We greet each other and she goes inside. I continue to eat. I finish my lunch then go into the centre and put my rubbish in the bin. I then go to the bathroom. The bathroom door is still broken, so I try not to make too much noise. I wash my hands and then head into the Green Room. I run the Show and Tell for the children. The most interesting thing today is an exercise book from a Russian school. Next it is time for lunch. The children eat their lunch and I put out some beds for them. Then I go into the next room.

In the Blue Room they have already finished their lunch and are lying down for a rest. I mop the floors and take the washing up out. I then do some more floor work with eucalyptus oil. I think that everyone in the Blue Room has very clear sinuses. I finish that and then go back to the Green Room. In there I sharpen some pencils. I then return to the Blue Room. I cut some ribbons down that I had put up a few months previously.

Once lunch time relief is over I go back to my office and do some stuff. We have had a delivery from a fundraiser and it must be checked. I do this. I speak to some people on the phone about some other stuff. One lady tells me no.

It is soon time for me to go up to the school to pick up the younger school children. I get my hat and clipboard and make the trek up there. I sign out my two young charges and together we head for the playground. They play, I make sure they don't do anything too dangerous. The bell rings and we go back over to where they left there bags and where we meet all the other younger school children. Once I have checked off all of their names we go down to the centre. Afternoon tea time.

Everyone has something to eat, then it's time to set up a few activities. I do this and help out with some homework. I have to encourage some of the boys to find something else to do. We make some snowflakes. Time for home arrives. I get my keys, get my sack, leave the door to the safe box open and get out the door. I don't say goodbye to many people.

It is once I am in the car that something a little out of the ordinary happens. It is on the radio that I hear something that I haven't heard for a long time, a voice that brings a smile to my face. It's Wil Anderson and he's cracking some jokes. It reminds me of old times with him and Adam in the morning. Things were better then.

Variations On A Theme

I read an interesting article the other day, and it's sort of related to part of yesterday's incoherent post. It was an interview with Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 fame. Or to be more correct, infamy. As I'm sure you are aware Matchbox 20 is one of those bands people love to hate. Well, not everybody hates them because they have sold over 10 million albums, but anybody that sort of thinks that they are a bit cool, a bit hip, a bit happening. In this interview Rob Thomas talks about how he first realised that he was "that guy." They guy that nobody really wants to know, the guy that people make jokes about, the guy who people try to avoid. He doesn't know how it happened, all that he knows is that it has happened and there's not a whole lot he can do about it. He is unapologetic about his music and his success and can't understand why these other bands believe that his brand of pop/rock is a type to be scorned.

The reason that I believe that this is similar to yesterday is because of that dude that I don't like. I think that I can remember his name, but I won't mention it in case I am wrong. I wonder if he knows that he is that guy. I'm pretty sure that I have called him a few names before, but that night I was calling alot of people alot of very colourful names. It doesn't really matter. I guess in this life we are all destined to meet alot of people and you can't expect to like everyone that you meet. The flipside of that of course is that not everyone that meets you will like you either. I know that there have been times in my life where I have been that guy, and for the most part I don't really care.

That's about it really, things are slowly coming back into focus and starting to line up again. This sun burn is a killer. Have you liked how these last two titles have had some bearing on what's beneath them?

Busy Hands or The Constant Battle

I don't think that this post is going to make a whole lot of sense to you. I know that it's not going to make a whole lot of sense to me. It is a reflection of where my head is at on this Sunday afternoon. I think that I'm a little out of it because of the sun yesterday. And the drinks. And these ones. And not getting enough sleep. And the mega storm that just swept through. And a lack of junk food.

Last night was some beerilarious fun, except I only really remember drinking a couple of beers. Most of the other stuff was a lot nastier. Especially the absinthe. It was certainly a night of different storylines. Bit of a strange ending though. It happens. 2332.

I had my photograph taken last night by this dude, his name escapes me. Now, I don't really know this guy, have only met him one time beforehand but it was all it took. I just don't like the guy. It's not that he's done something wrong, or he's said something to me or anything like that. I think that I probably just don't like the look of him, of his type. He generally rubs me up the wrong way. It's probably lucky that I don't know him.

It's strange how sometimes you just instantly don't like some people. Occasionally over time you may give this person a chance to prove you wrong, but I find in the whole they are stuck in with the things that never get any better. Sucks to be them.

I think that next weekend I may have to steer clear of all things nocturnal. And get some junkfood into me.

One final thing, I think that the covers for Soulwax's album and remix album from this year are terrific.

Cool, huh? Good tunes too.

Hot City Nights

So the Earth must have just about completed another revolution around the sun. I can tell you this without the aid of a watch, calendar, sundial, radio or even the services of the Telstra man who tells the time after the beep. How do I know this? I hear you ask? Simple. I got sunburned again.

I hate it. Once every year I make the same mistake. I think that I can get my pasty white skin out there for a minimal amount of time and remain unscathed. This was not the case today, nor has it ever been the case in the past, and never will it be the case in the future. Why do I do it though? I think that during the winter when this harsh Queensland sun isn't as intense I kind of forget about how brutal it really is during the summer months. This lulls me into a false sense of security and superiority to the elements. Every year Mother Nature teaches me the same lesson, and she is a harsh mistress.

So I sit here now, no shirt, air conditioner on, and slathered in approximately 15 layers of moisturiser. I hope that this helps. The beach today was beautiful. The sun was out (bitch that she is), but there was a nice breeze keeping things cool. There were quite a few people around as there was a nipper's carnival on at North Burliegh. The Gold Coast City Council would have made a pretty dollar fining everybody who was parked on the grass as there wasn't enough car parks. I thought this was a bit of a low move by the council.

The water was just right, not cold at all. There were a few nice waves at the start of the day, and a sandbar which meant that I didn't have to worry about running into little kids when I was getting majorly sick barrels on my belly, dude. Seriously though, it was nice to swim in the ocean again, I'd forgotten how enjoyable and relaxing it really is. Even my new accessory didn't give me any trouble. I was worried that the added drag could hurt my nipple a bit, but it didn't concern me at all really.

Apart from swimming today I went on a tour of North Burliegh and more specifically the brand new Coles that opened there this week. It's a shiny new store with shiny new staff and all sorts of problems. I guess it's just because no-one really knows what's going on yet, but it was a bit of a mixed up shemozzle. I waited for five minutes for the check out boy to swipe my bottle of diet fruit cup crush cordial. He couldn't quite figure it out. I could only stand there with a look of bemusement when he asked me if I knew how to do it. I suggested that he ask somebody else.

I had a bit of a snooze this afternoon and then came home. I brought my mum and brother with me. I think that Dirty Dave had a very wholesome schoolies week. Apparently he didn't even wear any girl's clothing. Very disappointing.

Taste It

Oh yeah. Ooooh yeah. I did it. I went out there tonight and I did it.

I was sitting at home, thinking of how I was going to spend my night home alone. I tried to watch a DVD, but unfortunately the player is busted. I tried to read a few blogs, but no-one is updating. I thought about masturbating, but then decided that I'd save it for later. I thought about taking the dog for a walk, but it was pouring with rain. I turned the tv on, then turned it off again because there wasn't anything on. I went and sucked down one of those dirty filthy stinking cancer sticks and decided that I didn't want any more of those in a hurry. I thought about going and grabbing some lemondade to mix with some vodka, but I don't feel like drinking alone anymore. Then I thought about what I was going to do on the weekend. And I came up with a plan.

It was pushing six o'clock so I knew that time was going to be against me, so I started my search with much haste. The first few venues I scoped out all shut at 5:30 or so, so they were scrapped. I googled a place called The Laundry and couldn't find a closing time, but I could find a phone number. So I rung them up. They said they were pretty flexible, so I headed on over. The rain was absolutely pelting down, and I was a little nervous driving over the Gateway bridge, sandwiched between a huge double-trailer truck and the concrete divider, I made it though. I even managed to follow the directions I had written down with out too much bother.

So I pulled up at this house, walked up and was greeted by an American pit bull ( I thought that those fuckers were illegal these days, they are some scary beasts). The lady, whose name is Helen, opened the door and the wild beast came out and licked me. Helen said it was her hairy door bell. So Helen and I chatted about what was going on and stuff, and she was terrific. Very professional, walked me through what was going to happen to me over the coming days. Asked me whether I've ever done anything like this before. Questioned my motives. Explained the procedure and showed me the accessories and then showed me where all the action as going to take place. I then signed away my life.

At this point I was still fairly unaware of what it was going to feel like, it's been a while, but I wasn't really too nervous. The autoclave had finished it's job by this time and I was given the task of checking to see whether the sterilisation strip had turned from yellow to black, which it had. I lay back in the chair, looked up at the ceiling and waited for the fun to begin. At first there was just a bit of pulling and stretching, then came the moment of truth.

I'm not going to say that it didn't hurt, because by god yes it did. It certainly wasn't a tickle from a feather, more an incredibly intense burst of pure pain that had me involuntarily arching my back and trying to wrench the armrest from the structure of the chair. It was so surprising in that I was almost completely unaware of the rest of my body for that moment, almost as though with that prick I had completely retracted into the nerve endings that were screaming in terror at their imminent doom. I know this sounds really gay, but I can't really describe it. It was intense, it was fire, it was clarity, it was pure, it was pain/pleasure. And I was only halfway there.

Trying to find exact point was excruciating as before I had laid down Helen had marked me with where she wanted the entry and exit to be. Once the second hole in my body had been made things started to settle down a bit. I could feel things again, and couldn't help but smile and even laugh. It felt good. On fire, but good. She snapped the bar in, attached the end and then withdrew. We chatted for a little while longer so she could make sure I wasn't going to faint or anything. Next Helen ran me through the maintenance and told me how it actually was the most painful choice possible. I felt a bit like I'd conquered a mountain.

After that I headed home and picked up some groceries on the way. I cooked myself a very healthy but not so tasty dinner and am now doing this thing up. I guess this is another thing I can now check off my list. What's next though now? If anybody has any ideas about some cool stuff to do that gets the blood pumping please let me know. If you head over to The Laundry take a Captain Cook at the Carnival of Chaos stuff. Now that shit looks intense, and I may have to go and see one of their shows.

Accidents and Compliments

The other night I did something that I've never done before. I was a little nervous leading up to the event, even though I really had no reason to be. I even gave myself a bit of a pep talk before heading out. This was something that I really shouldn't have worried about at all as I spend a significant amount of time doing pretty much the exact same thing except on a larger scale almost every day. Still, it was something a little bit different and it had me spooked.

How I came to that moment before I knocked on the door is a little confusing, but let's try and get it down anyway. I made an agreement with a lady last week that either myself, or somebody who I knew to be trustworthy, would be available to employ for a few hours on a Monday night. So I lined up this girl. She said, "Ah, yeah, I know her, I'll do it, no worries." This really should have been the end of the story, but as you already know, it isn't. A few days go past, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday looms. I check with the girl to see if she still wants to do the job for the lady. She says to me, "Ah, yeah, no, you know I don't really want to do it anymore. Ah, yeah, I'm going down the coast."

This put me into a bit of an awkward position as I wasn't going to have an opportunity to see the lady to let her know that the girl wasn't available anymore. I really had no desire to do the task the lady had set. It's not that I thought that it was beneath me. It's not that I thought that I wasn't capable. It was just something that I didn't want to do. Unfortunately I was running out of time, it was now Monday afternoon (I'd spent the missing time doing "stuff", twice) and I hadn't really come up with a plan. I didn't have any options. So I manned up, grabbed my nuts, and made the call. I told the lady, "Look, the girl's pulled out, but I'm stepping up. I'll see you at 1845."

I left base at 1830 and made the drive to the destination. On the way I kept things light by putting the window and right pedal down to maximise the wind in my hair. It felt good. I felt good. I could do it. I arrived, locked the door and progressed up the stairs. Once there I checked myself over, took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

Heidi came and opened the door for me and let me in, Luca and Kai came and greeted me, Tim waved hello from the couch. We went through the plan for the evening, a bit of play, record and watch Mythbusters, then time for the boys to brush their teeth and into bed. I wasn't to tolerate any nonsense from Luca. Tim and Heidi showed me how to use the VCR, then bid me adieu and I was left to do the babysitting.

It wasn't too painful at all really. Not something that I plan on doing again in a hurry, but not too bad. Plus it opened the door to the Jim Rose Circus for me. After Tim and Heidi told me about it I had to see it, so I went last night and had a great time. I've never seen some of that shit before, and I doubt I ever will again. The World's largest contortionist, Big Mak. The Incredible Mr Lifto. Mr Jim Rose himself. A great night of entertainment.

I think that I might have to get out there now and finally get my nipple pierced. I want to see how much that shit hurts.

We Be Burnin

I am still not quite sure how Bob Geldof got to be so famous. The only song of his that I can think of was with the Boomtown Rats, and although it's a good song, it was really only one song. A one hit wonder. A stroke of luck. And somehow Bob got famous and found a cause to fight for and has done what he has done. I guess you had to be there to see how he got the ball rolling maybe. Anyway, the reason that I'm talking about Bob Geldof was because I was thinking about how I don't like Monday. Well, that's not quite true. The specific Monday I don't like at the moment is this Monday. Why? Well, I attended a funeral today for my Auntie Jan who sadly passed away on Friday.

I've only been to a few funerals, so I don't proclaim to be an expert on them at all, but a few people were saying afterwards how it was an especially emotional one. I think that this is because it offered a glimpse into the future for some of us. Also Auntie Jan's grandson lost it a couple of times during the service. Not a very cheerful sort of a day at all.

There were some good things though. We didn't get lost or get a speeding ticket on the way to the funeral (this has happened before), there wasn't that awful part where the coffin is taken out of view by the final curtain call, there was some fantastic sandwiches on offer afterwards and the church was very well air conditioned. My pick of the sandwiches would definately have been the tuna ones. I believe they may have had a hint of lemon to give them a bit more zest. Mmmm.

Still, there were some things that I didn't particularly like about the funeral. I regret not taking a seat in the row in front of me because I was squashed in next to my big bum brother. I regret not saying g'day to somebody I never really knew and never really liked but who I haven't seen in 10 years. I regret not being a couple of kilos lighter so that my shirt didn't constrict my windpipe during the service. I regret not grabbing a little service book on the way in so I could keep tabs on what was going down. I didn't like the use of that tired old story about how at the end of someone's life they're chatting with God and he show's them the beach with the two sets of footprints that represents their life and the person questions God about why during the hard times there is only the one set. While I like this story and thought about how it's appropriate and things like that, I'm pretty sure he used the same one at the christening of Auntie Jan's grandchildren a few months ago. Oh well. In all though it was okay. This is actually pretty low of me doing this. Ragging on somebody's funeral isn't cool.

It did make me think about how I'd like to go though. You always hear about how everyone wants it to be a celebration of life as opposed to the mourning of their death, but to actually have a celebration would be a fairly tough thing to do. I guess you could try and bring out a couple of funny stories. Maybe put some balloons up or something. Have a punch bowl. Play some loud rock n roll. Perhaps a pinata. Keep the kids smiling. I guess it's not really something people like to think about. It's fairly hard for me to imagine a world without me in it, but it's going to happen one day. It's really the only one thing anybody can count on in life, that it will end. One day we will all end up in a box and have our lives which will hopefully have been full of love, joy, experience and tolerance reduced to a five minute fact sheet eulogy.

In other news I had a pretty good sort of weekend. I'd planned on getting a little loose which is what I did with the aid of a few friends which was lovely. It was kind of a weekend of twos. I saw the sun come up on two mornings. I had two hangovers. I was bitten by two different people at two different times for two different reasons. I had two trips to Woolworths. I caught two silver service cabs. I got shot down in flames by two girls at the one time. I spent too much money.

I don't regret any of it though.

Constant Quick Fixes

Watching Degrassi: The Next Generation with a bit of a hangover is not cool. That shit is way too intense for any brain that isn't quite functioning. It deals with the dramas and problems associated with being a teenager all too well. Terrific show. One thing that I am a bit over though is the frequency of storylines involving cancer. Not just in Degrassi, but it seems like every time you turn on the television these days. Perhaps I'm just noticing it a bit more. Anyways, I'm over it.

In today's episode of Degrassi there's this dude and he's got this girlfriend and they've been seeing each other for a while and he's starting to get a bit antsy as he wants to express his feelings for her physically. She's not entirely down with this and is waiting for him to express himself verbally. He doesn't really know this because she doesn't tell because that would make too much sense. So he turns to his mate and his mate knows the score and tells him what he's gotta do. Unfortunately he tried to take the easy way out and just buy her some flowers. He was surprised when the gate remained locked. This upsets the girl, and she decides that it's time for a break. The end of the relationship makes the boy realise how he feels, but he's still angry. His friend calms him down and tells the boy to tell the girl how he feels. The boy is scared to tell her, and fair enough too as it's a pretty big thing. He realises though that unless he tells her, he's lost her. So he writes a song. He plays the song to the girl, and she quickly decides that he's said the magic password and the gate is unlocked. She tells the boy and he gets excited and tells his mate. His mate tells someone else. Eventually a few people know and this is still before the fact. This upsets the girl and she decides that he needs some time out, again. So the boy is on time out and he hooks up with this other girl. It's weird how that stuff happens. But happen it does. Anyways, the othe girl quite likes the boy and lets him through the gate. The next day however the original girl decides that time out is over and that they should pick up where they left off. But where does this leave the new girl? Out in the cold unfortunately.

So that was one of the storylines, and it was great. It actually took me back a bit, sort of made me feel like a bit of a teenager again. It really is a very confusing time in life, there's all these emotions and hormones running through your body, trying to find an equilibrium that will make you sane again. There's also alot of things that you'll be doing for the first time, trying out, and some of them aren't especially pleasant. I know that I certainly did some dumb things. But that hasn't really changed, I just hope that I'm not doing the same dumb things. I know that I am, but I've still got a few kinks in the system.

Oh yeah, my plan to drink until I couldn't stand up any longer was foiled. Damned Red Bull, it gives you the endurance that you don't really need sometimes.

Fitting Together

I went down to Coles the other day, and it was a very uneventful, run of the mill shopping for the centre expedition. That is, of course, until I got to the check out. I was lining up for my usual lady. She is fairly old, grossly overweight, but very proficient at swiping groceries. There is one person in front of me when I feel a tap on my elbow. Into view comes a young blonde check out chick. She says that I can head down to her lane as she is just about to open it. This is pretty sweet I think as I don't have to wait any longer. So I go down, and ask her how her day is going. This as when it started. I was about to find out what an interesting person this girl was.

She started off by telling me how she had just finished her final university exam for the year. She was doing a degree in social sciences. She was saying how she finds it very interesting, and how she's excited to be able to have a break for the next few months. Then she asked me if I was a student, I laughed, then I told her what I did. She got very excited by this too, and explained that that is what her husband would like to get into. I said how it could be very rewarding work. She spoke about how the government is trying to stop males from working in the industry, and how her husband was having a tough time. Next she spoke about how there are plenty of jobs out there for people, it's just that some people have a too high opinion of themself and aren't willing to do some menial type jobs. She then explained how her husband was from Mexico and he was willing to do pretty much any job, and then told me the past 5 jobs that her husband has had, and why he eventually gave them up. Next she went on to talk about how when she was in Mexico things were alot tougher there, and that is why her husband is so eager to work out here, he sees a lot of opportunities. I then found out where this girl had met her future husband, the internet. Apparently she had met him during school, then when school finished she went to Mexico for a year, down the South near Guatemala, to be with him. When that year ended they both returned here to Australia. They have an 18 month old child together. She then said that she was only 20 years old. Pretty wild huh? And I found all this out in the time that it took to swipe $90.22 worth of groceries. She actually tried to swipe some of the next ladies groceries as well.

I think that this just goes to show that each and every person has an interesting and individual story behind them. This girl just didn't need as much coaxing a most of us. I think that this is nice. Most people are afraid of being judged, and this girl had no fear of that. She just presented herself for who she is to a complete stranger, and I admire that. I still think she's crazy though.

Muttaburrasaurus

I've been thinking a bit lately, and it's been hurting. Some of it has been in the shower, some of it has been in the car. Some of it has been whilst walking to the shop, some of it has been when I should have been working. Most of it has been pretty heavy. I sometimes feel as though I am burdened by this knowledge, by this thought. Not too badly though. Ha!

So yeah, basically all I've been thinking about is what I'm going to do next. Whether I want to have toast for breakfast, or whether I feel like some cereal. Thinking about whether I am going to read the paper forwards or backwards. What type of tea I am going to have. Which way I am going to drive to work. Which car park I am going to occupy. Whether I should hold the gate open for the next person. Which part of the computer monitor I will whack in order to fix up the picture on the screen. What time I'm going to have my first cup of tea. How I'm going to greet this next person, whether as a family unit, child then parent, parent then child or ignore completely. What flavour iced tea I'm going to have with lunch. Where I'm going to do my u-turn. What fruit I'm going to prepare for afternoon tea. How quickly I'm going to get out of there. Which songs I'm going to listen too. What stops do I need to make, if any. Whether to have afternoon tea. Which pimple to explore. How I feel like contributing towards dinner. Simple stuff really.

One thing that I have discovered in the last couple of days is that people generally don't react well when you respond to their question of, "What are you going to do this weekend?" with "I am planning to drink until I can't stand up any longer." It seems to draw horrified expressions and incredulity. It seems that it's quite okay to say after the fact that, yeah, I was wasted, but to actually plan it out beforehand is something that is not allowed. I know in my mind there are times when I just plain feel like getting out of hand. I don't know if this is a recent development, but I'm almost certain that it's not. So yeah, how do you feel about it? Is it socially unacceptable to state what your intentions are? Or is it only okay to do these things and then pretend later that it was an accident? Maybe it's a maturity thing, and I'll get it when I grow up.

Chun Li's Spinning Bird Kick

Remember Norm? You know, that guy? Big, fat dude. From Life. Be In It. You know who I'm talking about? Well, today I lived a day of his life. I woke up at midday, I read a book for a few hours, I got my brother to pick me up some KFC, I watched some television, I read some more of my book, I picked up a pizza and now I'm on the computer. What a day. It has actually been very enjoyable, I guess that could be because I've been pretty busy for the past month or so. The book that I've got my head in at the moment is immensely enjoyable too. It's called Bunker 13 and is written by an author who is said to be an Indian love child of Joseph Heller and Hunter S Thompson. It's making me want to get out there and start messing with things again, people and myself. Islam is a religion of Love.

Actually, I did accomplish something today that I am proud about. This morning when I got home at about 5 after a night of revelry I spent 10 minutes writing an SMS to someone. It ended up being 3 pages long. I re-read it today as I was exhausted when I wrote it, and it made sense, which is always a plus. It was almost poetic in some parts. Truly an achievement.

It's coming up on 1:30 in the morning now and I am considering going up to the Starmart for a bit of a late night stroll. It'll be nice to get outside for a while. I wonder if I will see anything interesting on my walk. I don't think that I will. It would be cool to see something completely random though. Something like that night back in 1999 when I went up there after my valedictory dinner and ran into two friends of mine. I promptly jumped into the back of a car with them, a car that broke down 3 times during the journey of a kilometre to a party down the street. At this party there were many casualties. One of them was in the pool, pretending to drown - but not very well as he actually was. There was also a lot of vomit around the place that the household german shepherd was eating. I think that it was even a Thursday night. That was living.

I don't know if anybody out there likes Death From Above 1979, I do. I've heard their remix album. It's good. I don't really dig the Bloc Party one though. I think that perhaps the difference between the two is that the Bloc Party ones are songs that are completed. They have reached their maximum potential, whereas with the Death From Above 1979 songs there is alot more space for growth. This is starting to get a bit gay. I'm heading out for that walk.

POW!

"You are a squid, and you can't have any cake."

And this was the return to work. I used to think that every day at the child care centre was different. I was wrong. They are all the same, just in varying degrees of sameness. It is basically going through the same routines, day in, day out. The only real gems are the children, because it is only from the mouths of babes that you can get lines like the one above. I'm not entirely sure why I was a squid, it wasn't entirely clear to me as I didn't recall morphing into cephalopod. I think that next time I bake the muffins I might make sure that I get all of the ingredients right. Still, it was good to get back in there. Today, Friday, was a bit of nightmare, I mean nobody really enjoys the heat do they? Especially when it seems to come from nowhere. I think that it makes every body a little cranky, children, carers and parents alike. It always makes for an interesting day. There was one boy today who kept repeating the mantra, "Spiderman, Batman, Spiderman, Batman..." Now I'm not sure, but I have a feeling that he was waging an epic battle between the two of them in his mind as a way to make the time run a bit quicker. Rest time really can't go quickly enough somedays, and I soon found myself joining him in the chant. In my version they ended up calling a truce.

I went and got my hair cut the other day and I'm pretty happy with the result. It's actually a fairly boring haircut and it was horribly overpriced, but I'm happy with it, so you can't put a price on that can you? And after my previous traumatic experiences at the hair dressers I don't mind. One thing that has been reaffirmed this week has been my love for ladies in certain occupations. I don't know what it is, but I hold hairdressers in high regards. Check out chicks too. And air hostesses, especially Singapore Airlines ones. They truly are the goddesses of the skies.

I'm still listening to this Madonna album, Confessions On A Dancefloor. I also found out who the producer is, Les Rhythmes Digitales. I think that he's got a couple of other names too. It doesn't really matter too much, I dig it. Maybe it's just that hook, maybe it's the beat... I don't know. I think that it would be a song that would go off in the clubs, another one that I feel would be a floor filler is Bob Sinclair's Love Generation. I don't mind this song, but it's not quite up to the Madonna standard. Dear oh dear.

So tonight I'm heading out to my Nanna's place for a bit of a feed, then I'm going to get inebriated. Should be rockin.

Waiting For Your Call, Baby

Did you see Madonna at the MTV Europe Awards? Didn't she look fantastic? She's 47 you know, 47! And two kids! Amazing! Fabulous! I can only hope to look that good after all that time. Leotards, man, leotards.

Still on the Madonna trip, I quite dig her new album. I don't care what you think, there are some cool sorts of songs on there. I don't know, kinda disco-y. Well, truth be told, I haven't heard too much of the album other than Hung Up, but that song is a killer. A Killer. The other stuff isn't too bad either actually. I'm not sure who the producer is, I know that it used to be William Orbit, but I think that he may have moved on.

So yeah, back in the Vegas now, living it up again. Or not. I'm due to head off to those institutions that I owe money too in a bit, but I thought that I'd hold onto it for a little bit longer. Or something.

I watched the movie The Island on the plane, and was a bit disappointed. It seemed to me that all of the elements of a good story were there, just something was missing, not entirely sure what, but there was definately something amiss. Still, there were some nifty parts, and Ewen McGregor is always a pleasure.

My mum came out to pick my dad and I up from the airport which was great, it was good to see her out and about in some new glad rags. I can't actually remember the last time I saw her out of the house. Weird. She had some pretty snazzy pants on, very bright. I have a feeling that they may have been inspired by the work of Ken Done. Now there is a man that has been by-passed in the new millenium. I mean, sure, he had some stuff for the Olympics, but that doesn't really count does it?

As you may have guessed, I haven't had a rest period since coming home, I'm deathly afraid of jet lag. I loathe it. I guess if I'm lying awake in the middle of the night tonight though I'll be alone in my own bed though. That's a plus. I also found a good way to pass some time on the plane too.

Changi

Not only the title of a movie, it is also a massive airport with free internet. I'm here right now waiting to get on the last flight for the last leg of my tour. Singapore has been great, a little hot though. I've done a bit since the last post. I had a power nap, went to some markets, went on a night safari through Singapore zoo, almost ran over a tapir but didn't because it is surpringly big and had some spicy food with cold beers. And that was all in one day! How full on is that? And it was a Monday! Intensity in ten cities!

Today has been a bit more sedate, I think this is due to the fact that for breakfast the only thing that looked slightly edible was the toast, so I had some. I didn't touch the scarmbled eggs, the bacon, the sausage, the mushrooms and onion, the potato bake, the baked beans or even the boiled eggs. Dad did, and he paid the price for it.

We also went over to Raffles Hotel, birthplace of the Singapore Sling. It's a fairly old hotel, as you'd imagine, but very nice and has a tropical sort of feel to it. It was still very British, but with a twist. Kinda cool. The Singapore Sling I had was incredibly average, a little too sweet for my taste. I had to wash it down with a Tiger. So I had a Tiger and a Singapore Sling. Dad had 2 Tigers and Diet Coke. Grand Total? 72 dollars. $12.50 beers were a killer. As was the $7 Singapore Sling. And the 8 buck coke. A joke.

Time is running out here, so not too much else to say. I managed to scare Dad in the cable car which was fun. I've got a pretty bad case of yellow fever too.

You Dare Speak To Me?

I'm in Singapore. It's pretty hot here, and pretty wet too. This means that I have finished my tour of the UK. The rest of the trip was pretty cool, a fair bit of time was spent in the car, which we had to swap over at one stage. One night we stayed in a place called Nairn, and it was the one year anniversary of a very strange murder that happened there and there was a special on the television about it. Very Exciting.

I'm pretty tired at the moment, as I didn't sleep between London and here, so my body thinks that it is about 3 in the morning. This is not an apology for not making sense though. Nor am I apologising for the little sense that was made in that last post. I can't even really remember what I wrote, I seem to recall being upset though. Still drunk too.

It was good times with Callum, good times all through Scotland actually. The scenery is very dramatic and beautiful. No sightings of Nessie though. I did see a seal though from the B & B we stayed in at Connell. This place had a standing wave which the you could ride during the changing of the tide which is cool. So is the water unfortunately. I had another plate full of mussels which was fantastic. I think that it is entirely possible that I ate almost 2 and a half kilos of mussels in 3 days. They are terrific.

So Dad and I have now said good bye to Stuart which was a little sad, as I guess the next time I see him won't be under very pleasant circumstances. I have a resolve to return to the UK though as I think that there is alot of potential to live a full life there. Even if the weather is miserable. Plus I didn't get a chance to buy the lizard skin wallet that I wanted. Oh well.

So Singapore today and tomorrow, then on the plane home. I know at one stage I was looking forward to getting there, and I still am, it's just that I had kind of forgotten about all the bummers that are there. Like work. Like the heat. Still, it'll be good to get back on home turf again and see my mates again. Have a bit of "quiet" time.

I'm in an internet cafe at the moment, a 24 hour one. I think that some of the dudes that are here have been here for a while, and it's 10 o'clock on a Monday morning. They are all playing Warcraft with some crazy mods.

I quite like Girls Aloud. Especially the red head.

Unclasped

You know, I used to quite like American girls. I thought that they could be attractive, confident and generally good time loving. Even more importantly I've found that I can sometimes even get along with them reasonably well and have a fun time. Times have changed.

I had haggis for lunch yesterday, and again for breakfast this morning so there are no points awarded for guessing what part of the UK I am in. We arrived in Edinburgh yesterday afternoon, and we're staying in a nice place that has free internet, which is a definate bonus. Stuart and I even managed to get the washing done yesterday afternoon, so it will be a joy to finally put on a clean pair of underpants the right way. For dinner last night we went to a seafood restaurant and it was actually pretty busy for a Monday night, always an encouraging sign. I had a kilo of mussels and enjoyed them thoroughly. I think that Dad enjoyed his even more. Once dinner had finished my mate Callum met us at the Auld Hundred pub which was across the street from where we had dinner and Callum had a chance to meet my brother and my dad before we headed out into the night.

So Callum, Stuart and I were unleashed on a Monday night in a fairly mild Edinbrough. We had a good time. I managed to cap the night off by puking outside a pub and losing Stuart which was great. I also had a very enjoyable chat with the cabbie about Robert Blake, the famous Scottish poet. It was really quite bizarre, I've never met a cabbie that's quoted poetry to me. Great stuff. I've also decided that I've had enough of those filthy cancer sticks for quite a while.

And how did Callum, Stuart and I spend the majority of the evening? Getting drunk and talking to some American girls who were over here for some band tour. I guess you could probably even call it a band camp. There were 3 of us, there were 3 of them. There was actually some fella with them, but we discounted him as they seemed to. Wrong. So yeah, basically the next few hours were a waste of time really, enjoyable at times though. I really knew it was over when I found out that the girl I had been harassing was actually the sister of the girl Stuart was busting the dope moves on. Maybe they just thought that we were pissed arrogant dickheads. Whatever.